What Good is Faith if...
Here’s a picture of the sidewalk from my morning walk today. Ironically, my knees are so sore lately that I can’t run. Since I ran around 400 miles between March and August, I think it’s an outward sign of the invisible reality that I need to slow down. Anyway, I was walking while I explained these revelations to my sister over the phone: how faith is not meant to be the end but rather the means to encounter God’s love. Then I looked down and saw this. Good one, Lord.
Welcome to Word for the Week, the series in which I:
share my experience of hearing God’s Word in Mass last weekend,
explore what I believe the Lord is calling me to do about that Word, and
ask how this Word might impact your life, as well.
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Last week, I went to Mass with Jamal, our 9-year-old son. There was a particularly beautiful moment right after we received Communion. I walked back to the piano as Jamal returned to the front pew. In his black hooded sweatshirt and his black face mask, he looked like a little ninja. After he dropped to his knees and placed his folded hands on the pew ahead of him, he looked over at me.
When our eyes met, all I could see of Jamal’s face were his raised cheeks and squinted eyes. It was enough to make evident the beaming smile behind his mask. I’m hanging onto that look as I reflect on my word for the week.
The word that stood out to me in Mass last Sunday was “rending.” Like how a great wind was rending (pummeling) the mountain in the first reading. Through the course of this week, I’ve asked the Lord what he wanted me to do about the word. It seemed evident that I needed to listen quietly. I needed to wait for the “tiny, whispering sound” that follows the storm.
So I listened. And the things I heard have been unexpected. What I’m learning through prayer, is that I put too much stock in my faith.
Every gift is from God, including faith. And yet, I try to hold my other gifts like joyfulness, writing, etc. with a loose grip. Music? Great. No music? Great. “Whatever God wants,” I can say with ease of other gifts. But when it comes to faith? That’s a different story.
When the whispering sound of God’s voice is so distinct that it’s obvious. When I’m too weak or too tired to keep being strong. When my prayers finally materialize. When I have only to receive. When the encounter with God’s love doesn’t call for my gift of faith anymore, because the love is so tangible. In those moments I tend to freak out.
I try not to stay. I change the subject. I move onto the next hard thing. And if I must stay still, my brain gets sluggish (we’ve literally measured the brainwaves). I feel embarrassed, ashamed, unworthy. I make up terrible things about myself to confirm my fear. I look for problems to tarnish the purity of the moment.
Where is this coming from? Where did the lie begin that I'm only worthy of love because of my faith? I’m starting to uncover the answers, and they’re not fun. Yet, I believe the Lord showed me these problems in order to heal me. He’s speaking gently to me even as I confront my discomfort. Faith in the face of the impossible is something I’m really comfortable with.
So I’m hanging onto the way my son looked at me in Mass. It’s the same look that David gives me. It’s unconditional acceptance. It’s a glimpse of the love that has always been there for me, even when I argue, deny, or run away. For the first time, I’m understanding this phrase I’ve heard so many times: “if I have all faith so as to move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing.” For anyone who might relate with what I’m describing, I’ll invite you into the question that I’m asking myself: What good is faith if I won’t accept God’s love?
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