Toxic NFP Culture

I wrote this reflection during National NFP Awareness Week last year (2020). In a recent interview for the Charting Toward Intimacy podcast, we referenced this article. Hope it is of some encouragement!

Also, here is the YouTube video on the same topic.

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Today is the final day of National NFP Awareness Week. Maybe you’re already aware that the Catholic Church regards contraception as an unacceptable and immoral practice. If you’ve spent much time in Catholic circles, you’ll know it is still a possibility to regulate pregnancies and remain within the teachings of the Catholic Church. Unfortunately, the circles that are most vocal about this possibility, often misrepresent the Church's actual teaching and end up promoting something toxic, instead.

According to the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, “Natural Family Planning (NFP) is the general title for the scientific, natural and moral methods of family planning that can help married couples either achieve or postpone pregnancies.” Every year, a week is set aside to grow in awareness about NFP. As a practicing Catholic, as a wife, and as a mom of 4 children, I’m joining the conversation. But what I have to say is not going to be comfortable to hear.

Indeed, family planning is usually not a comfortable topic. Family planning can be intimate, difficult, and deeply personal. The Catholic Church in her official teachings never strays from addressing difficult topics. Yet, the communication of Church teaching is sometimes terribly mishandled. I believe that Toxic NFP Culture is a misrepresentation of Church teaching.

The Church document Humanae Vitae tells us, “The teaching of the Church regarding the proper regulation of birth is a promulgation of the law of God Himself. ... Indeed it cannot be observed unless God comes to their help with the grace by which the goodwill of men is sustained and strengthened. (HV 20)” In other words, the reason the Church even recommends natural family planning at all is to lead the faithful into God’s law. And what is God’s law?

John 13:34 says, “I give you a new commandment: love one another. As I have loved you, so you also should love one another.” Humanea Vitae proclaims that God’s law--the law of love--cannot be observed without God’s help! Yet, Toxic NFP Culture regularly promotes NFP without mentioning our utter dependence on God’s mercy and grace.

In my comments today, I will neither quote Church documents nor address statistics at length. Rather, I will offer personal observations of Toxic NFP Culture. I will follow my observations with reasons why this toxic culture is a problem. My hope is to encourage those who have struggled with the effects of Toxic NFP Culture, by pointing toward God’s love as the solution.

I’m asking God for the grace to proclaim the truth in love, through the intercession of St.s Louis and Zelie Martin and of their very saintly daughter, Thérèse of Lisieux. Please guide my words, Lord. Bless those who hear this message to receive only what you would have them hear, that they would hold onto only what is true, good, and beautiful in this message. Amen.

Here we go.

Toxic NFP Culture consists of dishonest and harmful communication around family planning.

Toxic NFP Culture promotes NFP without mentioning God; without mentioning the cross/hardships; without celebrating redemptive suffering; without allowing for any criticism of NFP; without providing skilled, honest, knowledgeable teachers of NFP.

Toxic NFP Culture promotes NFP as an alternative option to birth control; as a simple and painless practice.

Toxic NFP Culture promotes NFP as something that strengthens marriages.

Toxic NFP Culture promotes NFP while assuming that the listening audience is self-centered.

Toxic NFP Culture promotes NFP based on the assumption that a woman's cycle of fertility will be easily distinguishable.

And Toxic NFP Culture touts NFP for its secular advantages. This sounds like selling church stuff without introducing someone to Jesus. For example, if we spoke that way about the spiritual tradition of fasting, it would be twisted and wrong.

Imagine it, “Fasting has tons of practical benefits! Never mind the religious reasons. You can lose weight, build discipline, save time on meal prep, and even save money on buying food!” Sure, maybe some of those descriptions would be true of fasting, but the point of fasting as a physical and spiritual practice is to grow in our awareness of God, to be in greater communion with Him.

If we claim to speak on behalf of the Catholic Church yet we strip away the heart of the matter—growing in the law of God’s love—at best we sell NFP short, and at worst we gravely harm those who follow our advice.

Toxic NFP Culture says, "NFP is not difficult." Couples and individuals who say this are claiming it is not a challenge whatsoever to go without sexual intercourse for days or weeks on end during the time of the month when both spouses are naturally inclined to want to come together the most. What does claiming it is “not difficult” mean in the not-uncommon instances where couples would need to abstain for months or years?

Perhaps abstinence is not difficult for some couples. But to describe the ease of sexual abstinence as though that’s going to be the experience of everyone else (super easy, barely an inconvenience), sets up a false image of abstinence in marriage and of normal, healthy sexuality.

This false image of sexuality can cause couples to experience shame around the legitimately struggle inherent in this practice. This false image can tempt couples to hold their sexual urges in contempt, to repress their true feelings, or to stray from God and each other out of a misconstrued sense of guilt. This false image can also discourage other couples and individuals from trying to follow church teachings on morality and sexuality in the first place.

Toxic NFP Culture says, "NFP is not complicated." This claim makes it appear that all couples who practice NFP have either: A.) Very little libido or B.) Very simple cycles of fertility. Neither of those descriptions match the experience of the majority of female friends whom I’ve heard from about this subject.

Maybe my friends are just really complex and they genuinely like sex, a lot. (They sound fun, right?) I’m open to that possibility. Yet when 98% of all Catholic women have used contraception, it leads me to believe there is a disconnect between how Natural Family Planning is presented and the majority of our lived experiences as women.

Either way, I do regard myself and my female friends as strong and capable. When strong, capable women know something is worthwhile and important, they often want to do that thing—even if the thing is difficult and requires sacrifice. So when Toxic NFP Culture promotes NFP as an easy swap-out for contraception, it ignores the critical language of warrior women.

Many of us are willing to do the most difficult thing for the highest reward. We make sacrifices all the time for God, for those we love, and for ourselves. But that option doesn't even get addressed when NFP is presented as an easy, natural substitute.

I listened to single friends of mine this week. These friends are beautiful and young but old enough to get married. They are faithful Catholics, they love the Church, they adhere to her doctrines. And these friends explained to me how Toxic NFP Culture impacts their view of dating and marriage.

My single friends expressed that Toxic NFP Culture feels like an exclusive club. This exclusive club advertises that you can have a relationship like theirs. The problem is my friends don’t want to have a relationship that looks like those promoting NFP. This objection is so valid because each of us is called to our own, unique Vocation. For instance, every canonized saint is different from every other saint! And every marriage is one of a kind.

Yet when NFP is presented without mention of God’s love as the driving reason to practice it, then some other image is going to take the place of God. My friends describe that Topix NFP Culture points toward couples to follow, instead of pointing them onward toward Jesus.

One of my single friends told me it has been the hardest thing she’s ever done to try to chart her own cycle of fertility. That’s right, she's not sexually active. She simply took an NFP course, tried to follow the instructions of her NFP practitioner, and she cannot figure it out. This friend of mine is not stupid. And she is well educated. But she describes that her instructor acts as though this learning curve is her own fault.

Based on personal experience and on conversations with other married couples, it is not shocking that my friend cannot even figure out the data behind her own cycle, much less how to interpret that data. It seems that many women have unpredictable cycles.

When Toxic NFP Cultures tells my single friend that her struggles with NFP are due to a learning issue, what do you think this will do for her attitude toward NFP in marriage? How much more confusing and stressful is it going to be to track and interpret her cycle once she is sexually active? (This is not encouraging.)

My single friends told me that Toxic NFP Culture sounds like a lie that describes fertility management as a bed of roses. "Don't lie to me, I can take it," my friend said. My friends want to know the truth. But Toxic NFP Culture is not ringing with the truth.

My friend painted a word picture of a priest who processes down the aisle of a Catholic church in his vestments to singing and to lighted candles and to burning incense. Then the priest stops, peers out of the window to those passing by, and he calls out, “Don’t worry! We do stuff that’s totally normal and not weird, too!”

My friend said, “Why can’t we just admit that we’re not normal, and stop pretending?” Namely, Toxic NFP Culture is not believable to my friends who know that Catholics are called to be in the world but not of the world. And yet, Toxic NFP Culture promotes NFP as something normal in its own right, apart from or adjacent to the Catholic imagination.

My single friends also described that Toxic NFP Culture presents being a wife as though a woman has to act like a mom toward her spouse: discipline him, admonish him, set rules for him! This concept of marriage looks more like parenting a child than like accompanying your hero as an equal partner in marriage. For a strong, single woman who looks to be a wife someday, this stereotype is very daunting.

My single friends think Toxic NFP Culture perpetuates the idea for Catholic men that all women are super excited about having babies. My friends describe this expectation as disheartening and not relatable. Most of the literature that I’ve encountered around NFP has to do with either achieving pregnancies or spacing pregnancies.

{On a related side note: I personally have never seen mention in any NFP literature of a situation in which a married couple discerns not to have children at all. Reasons are real for many couples to have either very few children or to avoid pregnancy all together. Within Catholic Church teaching, couples are permitted to make this discernment. And yet, mention of these serious reasons are not to be found in Toxic NFP Culture.}

My final point begs some Biblical reflection. I heard the following complaint from my single friends this week, but I’ve certainly also heard it from many others in the past. It gets to the core of my personal aversion to Toxic NFP Culture.

My single friends described how Toxic NFP Culture sets an expectation that women will be submissive to their husbands but not in a way that is beautiful. Toxic NFP Culture often promotes NFP as a great system for couples to take a welcomed break from having sex. Or similarly, as a way for couples to avoid the pressure to come together every night. My friends say this sounds like unhealthy submission, and I agree.

Let’s take a look at what scripture says about submission and then compare that to Toxic NFP Culture.

Ephesians Chapter 5 says, “Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord.” It goes on to say, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church.” How did Christ love the Church?

Have you ever seen a crucifix?

Some Biblical translations of Ephesians use the word “submit” instead of “be subordinate.” When we look at the word “submit,” we can identify that “sub” means “under” (like a submarine) and “mit” comes from the word “mission,” meaning “a calling or a conviction.” Sub-mission. We’ve already identified that the husband’s mission is to love his wife as Christ loves the church. If a wife is to submit to her husband, that is, to place herself under his mission, that means she allows her husband to love her sacrificially.

If the sexual embrace in marriage truly answers that call of Ephesians 5, why would a couple need an imposed practice to regulate their sexual activity? Implied in Toxic NFP Culture is the message that a woman gets to take a break from having sex when she appeals to a higher authority, such as family planning. What does that say about the wife? What does that say about the husband?

It strongly implies that the wife experiences a dread or at least is occasionally overwhelmed at the thought of sex, and that, furthermore, she is unable to speak on her own behalf about those feelings. It implies that the husband would have sex anytime he feels like it, without this saving fertility-management practice. “Thankfully, we have NFP,” says Toxic NFP Culture.

There are many other unsettling consequences of Toxic NFP Culture. But I believe I’ve covered enough of the problem here to at least add a new vantage point to this conversation. I hope that my words have brought comfort to even one person who has felt troubled by the way NFP has been presented to them in the past.

Going back to Humanae Vitae, the reason the Church even speaks about natural family planning at all is to lead the faithful into God’s law. I’m so grateful for many amazing mentors in the faith who have taught me about God’s law since childhood. They taught me that God will help me to accomplish whatever He calls me to! They taught me that God’s law is love.

The point of promoting NFP in the Church is to help us better live in God’s love. God’s love includes suffering. God’s love leads us to the cross! And God only allows our suffering in order to bring us greater joy. When we are crucified with Christ on Good Friday, we rise with Him on Easter. The cross is never the end of the story.

In closing, I’ll quote Humanae Vitae once more:

“(25) We have no wish at all to pass over in silence the difficulties, at times very great, which beset the lives of Christian married couples. For them, as indeed for every one of us, ‘the gate is narrow and the way is hard, that leads to life.’ (33) Nevertheless it is precisely the hope of that life which, like a brightly burning torch, lights up their journey, as, strong in spirit, they strive to live ‘sober, upright and godly lives in this world,’ (34) knowing for sure that ‘the form of this world is passing away.’”

In this National NFP Awareness Week, may God give us greater hope to carry our cross in whatever path He leads us to take. May that hope give us light, and strength for the journey. And may we always respond generously to the command of Christ, “Love one another, as I have loved you.”