God Did Not Make Death

Welcome to Word for the Week, the series in which I:

share my experience of hearing God’s Word in Mass last weekend,
explore what I believe the Lord is calling me to do about that Word, and
ask how this Word might impact your life, as well.

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Last weekend, I was exhausted. The need for sleep: natural for all humans, I know. But this was deep exhaustion. The kind that ushered in a trauma response where my mind fixated on negative and harmful thoughts. David felt scared because it reminded him of how I operated when I was in the throes of postpartum depression.

I didn’t attend Mass with the family, but rather listened to the readings and took a nap. “I guess this is survival mode,” David said as he packed up the four kids to attend the liturgy in person.

“It doesn’t have to be a whole mode,” I said groggily. “Maybe it’s only today!”

Later that Sunday, when I got a second wind and felt some calm, we were able to eat family dinner together. Our 10-yr-old son said with a grin, “Good thing it’s the last Mass before the Bishop says we have to come back!” (Jamal knew that the Sunday Mass obligation is officially reinstated as of next weekend.)

I laughed. “It is good timing!”

When I listened to the audio recording online, the beginning of the first reading stood out the most, “God did not make death.” Even though my mind felt cloaked in darkness, it was comforting to think that God didn’t create me for those feelings.

Later in the week, I had a challenging conversation with a close friend. It was the kind of talk where the necessary words seemed to require physical exertion to expel. As I spoke into the confrontation between us, I thought, “Ah, dying to myself. This is it.”

Again, those words came back to me: “God did not make death.” It was a surprising moment as I turned to the Lord in my heart for affirmation. The comfort was much deeper than I expected. I thought the sentiment from the Lord would be something like, “Good job dying today, daughter.” But it was more like a simple look of sorrow. Sorrow at the death.

I’d never thought of that before. That God is pained by our suffering—yes. But I never imagined his pain as I die to myself over something “little.” I’ve usually seen dying to myself in the day-to-day as something to be tough about.

Being tough might be good, too, in one sense. But through this Word for the Week, the Holy Spirit beckoned me to see that Jesus doesn’t create those deaths each day. Death is God’s enemy. Even as the Lord gives me grace to persevere, those “small” deaths break His heart, too.

For a moment this week, I was able to stop in the sorrow and to feel His love for me in it. (I’m feeling a lot better than I did last Sunday, by the way!) Normally I would ask how this Word might apply to your life, as well. This time, I’ll ask you: how do those words, God did not make death, speak to you today?

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